I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
