conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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