NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
