I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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