and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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