I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
