goodnight i made you a song goodbye
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize