Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
