i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize