the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
