Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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