Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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