I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Are my feet made of real feet?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
