guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
