Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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