I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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