You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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