Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
