I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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