Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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