wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize