Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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