Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize