Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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