theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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