I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
