i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The air was thick with penises
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
