remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
