After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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