i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
