You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him βfuck meβ eyes during a lecture a few times.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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