i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
