So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
