I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
