speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
