they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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