new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
