I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
