oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
