Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize