You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
