he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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