im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
