Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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