its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
