why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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