i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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