At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
