totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
