Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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