why didn't you poke me back
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
