imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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