So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
