is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
