people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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