I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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