pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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