Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
