i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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